Dear Anne,
Hi Anne – love the column! I have found myself in a bit of family drama. A close family member is getting married this year and the couple is trying to keep the cost as low as possible, so I am more than happy to lend a helping hand when I can. Unfortunately, some family members do not have the same “vision” as the bride, and can be quite negative with her choices. I’m personally of the belief that it’s their day, and whatever the couple wants, I am happy to be on board. How do I help mediate the situation with the negative family members? Everyone is very involved and I don’t want to cause more drama that lasts after the big day. They are also all in another province, so phone calls, group chats, and texts are my main options!
–Helping Hand
Dear Helping Hand,
As much as mediation is a lovely thought and offer, it isn’t your role to take on when it comes to a couple’s wedding. No matter how good and kind your intentions are, it triangulates the problem, and when within family units, this can be even more disastrous. My first suggestion is to step away and to pause your involvement until the following is accomplished:
- The couple themselves respond to family pressure/interference, stating clearly, kindly, calmly that they have their own vision. They need to be the ones setting the boundaries, not you. And, those boundaries should include a pause on communication from family members of their expectations (group chats? ugh!!). The couple can share the plans once everything is in place and settled.
- If family members are helping pay for the wedding, it will be hard to reject their input. If this is the case, the couple needs to politely decline monetary help in order to legitimately take ownership of their plans.
Once the couple has successfully communicated the above, you can then safely step back in to help. Of course, you should make it clear to the couple that you are there to support them once they have taken the reins back.
So much of this drama with families and weddings comes from people living out their own dreams through others. A similar thing happens when a baby is on the way. If only we could all just celebrate when such joyous occasions arise.
You clearly have a good heart. The couple is lucky to have you on their side.
-Anne
