It has recently been reported that the Town Of Lunenburg intends to sell the iconic Lunenburg Academy, calling the cost of upkeep on the giant 128 year old building an ‘unsustainable burden.’
The potential schoolhouse sale has triggered passionate debate among Lunenburg area residents, with no clear path forward.
These are my most helpful suggestions to keep the Academy from being sold without putting a squeeze on Lunenburg taxpayers.
1 – Have A Bake Sale: If everyone in Lunenburg just buys a $1,000 brownie or a few $700 mud pies, the town could keep the place running for another 10 years.
2 – Enhance The Model Classroom: The current model classroom is great, but to create a more authentic Lunenburg Academy experience, a stern elderly woman should force any tourists who enter to sit quietly and write down the cursive alphabet again and again for hours on end. Any visitors who talk sass will be required to stay late and clean chalky rags by slapping them against the parking lot pavement.
3 – Copyright The Phrase “I’d Like To Thank The Academy”: If the Town Of Lunenburg could collect royalties for use of this saying, they’d be flush with cash come Oscar night.
4 – Start Charging The Ghosts Rent: Restless souls with unfinished business have been freeloading at the Academy for too long. Sophia especially! Obviously we all feel bad that she died of a broken heart, but that was well over 100 years ago. It’s time for her spirit to start chipping in a couple of bucks.
5 – Change The Name From Lunenburg Academy To Netflix Presents: Lunenburg Umbrella Academy: Netflix is still one of the top players in Hollywood, and their original series Umbrella Academy was one of 2019’s biggest viral hits. With its fourth and final season on the way, a cross promotional event with the streaming juggernaut could create serious buzz in Tinseltown.
6 – Don’t Do Anything And Hope It Just Turns Out Fine: It probably will!
7 – Reopen The Scary Bathrooms For One Night Only: I have discussed this among my peers around town, and I know for a fact that a lot of people would pay good money to be allowed into the Academy basement for one last nostalgic pee in those creepy old skinny bathtubs.
8 – Lease One Of The Towers To Tim Burton: Tim Burton seems like he would really feel at home in one of the little towers in the Academy. Just imagine the Beetlejuice 2 script he could write in a place like that. If he’s not interested, Jack White would be another good potential tenant.
9 – Sell All The Pogs That Were Confiscated In 1993: Back in ‘93, the principal was on a total power trip and started confiscating everybody’s Pogs. If they’re still in her office, I bet some of the rare ones could fetch a good price on Kijiji. There’s probably some good Bart Simpson stuff in there too.
10 – Move It To The Blockhouse Hill Campground And Put Food Trucks On The Current Site: I can’t see how anyone could get upset about that!
Bryn Pottie is a Lunenburg High School graduate. You can find him at www.brynpottie.com.
You did it again, Bryn! You just have a knack for getting us to laugh at ourselves 😃
10/10 recommendations.
Bryn, well done. I think there’s a place for you on council. Think about it. Take care, John and Gail Smith
I needed this good laugh! Thank you, thank you, thank you.